Headlines with a little help from the Helm
Hackers prey on Smartphone use at work during holidays— “It’s a little difficult to kneel on them at first but after a while you get better at it” Said Neil Capshurtalot.
” Annoying -know-it-alls are actively trying to control and manipulate mobile devices as part of their hexes,” he says. “The holiday season provides them a perfect time to test out new enchantments.” “It makes it much easier to give them the evil eye when they’re off balance” said one Annoying -know-it-all, “we like to keep things at an arm’s length whenever we in-can-tat.” These guys seem obsessed with channeling…
Asked if stalking their employees was legal, one employer said: “It’s ok if we do it because we’re a business, but if we catch any of our employees doing it we fire them on the spot”. “Besides,” she continued “what’s the worst that could happen, they’ll put our corporate logo in jail?”
Dallas Cowboys cheerleader forced to delete Twitter account: And boy-howdy is she pissed!
The Dallas Cowboys are raising some eyebrows for forcing cheerleader Melissa Kellerman to delete her Twitter account after she informed fans she was not hurt by a tackle from tight end Jason W(h)it-ten.
“I’ve been hit harder by my boy-friend.” Melissa said; “Really I was just glad Jason was ok, afterwards he had to go to the locker room and they said he was crying because some of the other cheerleaders said; Jason hits like a girl, or was it Jason hits girls, I get confused a lot.” “Anyway now they want me to stop Twittering which is really sad because spelling doesn’t matter on Twitter, and I like that a lot.”
Twitter Buys Some Middle East Moxie: “We wanted to get some Bottom East Moxie but they were like totally cleaned out man.” “Everyone knows the Bottom East stuff is way better, oh well you can’t always get what you want; but hey man, if you try sometimes, you know like, you get what you need.” said Marvin Stoned VP of Rotating Rocks, a subsidiary of Twitter….
Cool-dude….. yeah…. totally….right on….twisted…sick…
Kim K Creates Twitter Storm: There’s been a major disturbance reported in the Twitter-verse. One of the Twitter-verse senior scientist’s, Dr. Kim K, that’s it just K, said “This is about as scary as it gets.” After being relatively absent from Twitter-verse, the kimonomally tweeted throughout the frightening episode. “When the elder K-Dash sistas star went nova in the Kourtney & Kim Take New York section of the Dweeb nebula we thought the whole galaxy might explode.” “Fortunately the beginning of the episode featured some unusual quantum-tabloiding which then released some of the fissile nuclear energy before the split from the kris humphries it-doesn’t-anti-matter- anyway.” “Otherwise it would have been the end of the world as we know it” she said. “I’m just glad my boyfriend Scott BggDisick and their son Moonsoon made it out alive”.
ST. PAUL, Minn. — Dakota County is carefully planning to build part of a 27-mile bike path in the Spring Lake Park Reserve near ancient American Indian burial mounds. “If this first one goes well then they want to build one in every cemetery in Minnesota.” “It’s really fun to ride past those slow dead people” said Bart Custer, “We have to make a stand somewhere.”
Citibank Security locked customers inside as they arrested 23-OccupyWallStreet protesters for attempting to close their bank accounts during a mass public action this afternoon. The Wall Street Journal has confirmed the arrests. According to their report, 24 people were arrested. The protesters who tried to close their accounts were asked to leave by Citibank and when they refused, they were arrested for trespassing. Some were arrested outside the bank for disorderly conduct and resisting arrest.
Customers arrested for closing their accounts…..priceless
Hackers give up on Blowing up Illinois Water Utility …after 72 hour marathon attempt to ignite water…”It just won’t burn damn-it” said one despondent exhausted hacker….”Why won’t it burn?”
I want a donut… no more rhymes I mean it…spider spider on the wall don’t you have no sense at all, can’t you tell that walls been plastered—get off that wall you stupid——-spider…. Anyone want a peanut?
An actual Michele Bachmann quote:
“Obama put us in Libya, now he put us in Africa!”
Next stop sesame street, all aboard, choo-choo, I meant coo-coo…
- Tackled Cowboys cheerleader forced off Twitter (news.cnet.com)
- Cowboys deny forcing cheerleader to delete her Twitter account (offthebench.nbcsports.com)
- Melissa Kellerman, Cowboys Cheerleader, Forced Off Twitter By Own Team? (inquisitr.com)
- Tackled Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader Forced Off Twitter by NFL Franchise (Report) (hollywoodreporter.com)
- Melissa Kellerman Deleted Her Own Twitter Account, Says Dallas Cowboys (inquisitr.com)